I have been for sometime had a large file of historical medical interventions on my body.The file I say would make a very good door stop or even be of great use when pressing flowers.I have accepted all the problems that have arisen and faced them head on .But of late the pain has been just to much for even the smiler in me to deal with .I may from time to time put on a brave face and tried hard not to show just how much pain I am in .I told myself it was for other peoples benefit more than my own, they were used to seeing the brightly coloured bubbly smiley Tez wheeling around the town.Always laughing and joking and often trying to keep going so that others with problems would feel better if I could make them smile or laugh.I have been told that my outgoing brighlty coloured hair and sense of dress often makes them smile and then makes them feel happier .I like that feeling of making others smile but behind it all I am trying so hard not to just burst into tears and reveal all the pain that is being hidden.
This week I realised that I had to stop being the clown and using it as wall and stop being the stubborn mule.I can still be the smiler but I have to admit when enough is enough.I visited my doctor he has given me new painkillers to try ,fingers crossed they do not leave me in a commatosed state of vegitation like so many have before or make me sick like so many listed before.But at least he has put me forward for an xray to see what now is happening to an already surgically traumatised hip joint.
I have a body full of scars and cuts from years of surgeons taking a stab at me .I am already feeling like I am not quite in the room .Here in body but possibly not in other way.I have now got 7 tablets to take a day some to stop me being sick or upsetting my stomach some to cope with the serotonin levels in my brain from dipping like a scary rollercoaster and painkillers well as they are aptly named haha for the pain.I feel If I could jump I could pretend to be a maraca or childs shaker toy.But hey what else is their you can do .I hate drugs and I hate the side effects or the effects long term use will do to me but eventually their comes a time when you just have to bite the bullet and take the so easily offered prescription drugs.who knows what the effects will be this time.I have never been good with drugs my stomach seems to have a strong will when it comes to them.It never seems to be able to cope with many prescribed drugs but I am damned sure at 37 I will not be reduced to living with buckets and commodes in my house .I no way can have the man I love exsposed to such as horrible experience .I would rather just get on with the pain and try to not over do it .But this time the drugs may work and leave me with no huge side effects.Mind you saying that Im feeling I should go take a lie down.Lets just hope that they cause a little drowsiness and nothing more .Oh well could be worse TXX
